"Because You ARE the Mom"

“She doesn’t talk to you because you ARE the mom,” she said.

It was a surgeon’s scalpel phrase, applied itself to the wellspring of my heart – the source of my deepest value – relationship. Next to my husband, there is no one on earth I’d rather have that faithful, intimate connection with than my own children. And to think my position of “mom” was a wall rather than a bridge to that connection…arrggh.

They say it is part of the Independence Phase, like when she was a toddler and insisted on “I can do it myseff, aww by myseff.” I’m trying to remember the bittersweetness of that phase as we journey through the teen years – specifically the push and pull of tender toddler affection, tempestuous and mercurial. How my arms stayed open for the chance to hold her after playtime adventures, knowing eventually her battery would run low and she’d need a soft landing…or that a scraped knee would hasten her towards me for some TLC. Or, because I held the magic of reading, my lap was a welcome place for the effervescent bookworm. Cuddles and read-alouds were just manifestations of what she didn’t recognize at the time – unconditional love.

Her journey through toddler independence was applauded with such encouragement! Perhaps it was because we knew this was a natural step for her to take, and it would result in such wonderful opportunities – education, adventure, purpose…and relationships other than my own. Of course, we also knew that there were still years to bond with her – so many family vacations left to take, so many daily moments together….it was preposterous to think the push-pull would be permanently “PUSH.”

Perhaps the difference is that with teenagers is that the push-pull could possibly not resolve. We actually do not have years of bonding and daily connection guaranteed to counterbalance the push. Some things are similar – the hope that with this independence they have education, adventure, purpose, and other relationships as blessings. They may financially return to the nest, or practically need to return for lodging and food…but relationally they can take their hearts somewhere else. I think that is what is eating at the issue….a mother of teens realizes she could face the ultimate rejection. Not to mention the fear of being displaced – of having your child tell you “I do not prefer you. I do not trust you with who I am and what I feel/think/say/do. I can do it myself, all by myself.”

Parents can hold financial or practical carrots in front of their child to buy their time and attention. But I don’t know of any parent who is content to offer only those things – because those are just manifestations of what lies beneath….the unconditional LOVE…the yearning for relationship.

Today I am going to focus on that unconditional love as we step further down the path of the teen years. If I truly, unconditionally, love my child, that will not change if the flavor is push versus pull. I will want her best… and DO my best to mother her the way God designed me to. Regardless. And I will keep my arms open, just in case.

He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers…

Malachi 4:6

End of First Real Week '08/'09

TGIF!

We did it - got to the end of our first Real Week of the school year with everyone in their proper places - piano lessons, college classes, Legacy, basketball, BSF, youth group and the like. My eyes are hazy and crossed as they squint toward the weekend - Ben's worship team auditions, a football game, Katie's gig at the hospital, Mariners Game for the boys, and Phantom for the girls. Oh yes, and somewhere in there we find jeans for Katie! And do church.

I'm enjoying having the girls both gone in the morning. Ben and Dusty are quiet and non-interfering company to keep - I've been able to plunk around doing youth group data entry, and able to research college scholarships with nary an interruption. With the girls both gone it also eliminates more of the run around in the van - gotta love that! Granted, Ben's new piano teacher teaches out of Westlake Center in Seattle, so my Friday mornings just got a little urbanified - can you say WEEKLY SHOPPING EXCUSE? Yes ma'am!

And to wrap up my pathetic post from last week regarding the WSU visit - it went well....ish. Jon convinced Abby to not contact me all day - deliberately - so that went over NOT WELL. NOT WELL AT ALL! Can you say "bouquet of red roses last night" to help smooth my ruffled fur? Can you say Mama Bear moment? It's amazing how after so many years of togetherness (let's see - coming up on 27) we can still miss the mark so badly on showing love, offering forgiveness, effectively communicating, making peace, etc! One would think by now we'd learn by our mistakes and be fairly sliding into home...but....I 'spose until our flesh dies we'll still be looking out for number one now and again, and then have to suffer the consequences. Fortunately, we are getting more infrequent with our flub-ups. I'd like to think a year from now we'll have even less. And I'd like to see in myself more humility, clearer and sweeter communication, and that winsomeness I long for from the Lord. More of Him, less of me.

Pullman or PLNU?

This is the time of year we plan for next year.

Next September all of our questions will have answers with them - well, at least regarding colleges. This month Abby studies for the SATs, visits campuses, and strives for excellence at BCC. She works on her deadlines and essays and we ask questions of "those who have gone before" in hopes of narrowing her career focus. We pray and we pray about things like housing, environment, readiness and worldviews.

At this juncture it appears her colleges have been whittled down to two choices - WSU and PLNU. Both with outstanding broadcast journalism/communications departments, but one dressed in frugality and beer, and one in cost and Christianity. (I know full well that reputations aren't always 100% correct, these are just broad generalizations)

So, we are at a crossroads of decision. It is an exciting place to be!

If I were to choose today, I might go with WSU because of it's relative proximity. (5 hours by car versus 3 hours by plane....or 24 hours by car! yikes) I look at Abby and think of her being so SO far away in Southern California and it just about breaks my heart. I know our visits would be confined to major holidays only - aaaaghhh that seems pretty unthinkable from where I'm sitting now!

I'm wondering if other moms feel like I do. Had I sent her away to school all these years, would I be more comfortable with her absence? Had she been a difficult teenager, would that absence be welcomed? Will this senior year be such a time of maturing that by next September we'll both be ready for the separation? Did my parents ever feel this way? (I think not!)

Anyhow, I do not regret our homeschooling. If I were hit by a truck today, I would have been thankful for our extra hours together, and I would've been grateful for the bond we share - I would have confidence that she would have both quantity and quality of memories after I was gone. In fact, our homechooling has given me a scooch more confidence that she is rooted and grounded in the most important things, and wherever she ends up she'll be just fine! It's actually just me that might not be.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

(Psalm 139: 7-10)

Showers Early, Rain Later

Today's forecast was "showers early, rain later."

My response? HOORAY! Double backflips and high five's all around - this is great news! (albeit redundant and/or confusing...reminds me of how Eskimos supposedly have a jillion words to describe "snow".....Seattle forecasters have a jillion different ways to describe rain!)

Anyhow, my jubilance is a result of a deep character flaw of mine. I would rather sacrifice a day (or two) of rain and chill in the summer so that I don't have to water my plants any more.

By August I am so tired to death of my plants and am ready for them all to just die and be covered with moss again. Here in the Pacific Northwest, most people don't have watering systems (because the Good Lord takes care of that naturally, practically DAILY)....but when the sky is cloudless, one must troop out to the garden with a hose and tenderly saturate the flowers/grass/shrubs/baby trees by hand. QUITE time consuming, and quite annoying on a daily basis. I generally assign the job to my children, but every third day or so it's up to me to go out and do it properly - deeply to the roots, not just getting the leaves wet and calling it good.

As an aside, I am not the cruelest gardener in the NW. A friend of mine deliberately waters her plants lightly so that they keep a shallow root system! Thus, they barely survive on mere drops - thus, her workload is lighter. Cruelty!

In May I am the most enthusiastic of gardeners - excited to get my new plants, hanging baskets and thrilled to see perreniels coming back and setting blooms. In June my garden looks clean and fairly tidy - roses begin to bloom and everything is fresh and colorful. By the end of July, though, I'm starting to assign garden work to my kids - my back is hurting - and weeds are emerging, rose leaves are blackspotting, petunias need deadheading. (thankfully my mom was here in late July - she is a star gardener and is tireless and creative in my yard) Now it is August, and I'm ready for being the lazy gardener again....no more backyard dinners, no more guests to sit on the patio and stare at my blackspot.....ready to just reign everyone in and keep just the house clean and presentable.

So my deep character flaw that this represents is my lack of completion focus. Since childhood, I've been a great project starter but a poor finisher. This is one reason I only had 3 kids, and had them in 3.5 years - I knew I could be really really great at starting a family (seemed to have all the equipment working right, and really adored those early years too!), but I wanted to make sure I didnt' string things out too much and risk doing a really poor job with the last child. I didn't want to be too burned out to read bedtime stories, or to not give adequate time. This character flaw was my parents' main concern (and then sorta mine, too) about homeschooling - would it be a project that got off to an enthusiastic start, but then peter out and my children would be couch surfers and fulltime droolers? (the answer to this burning question is yes: I have relaxed an awful lot in my homeschooling efforts, but fortunately I sowed enough good seeeds at the beginning - the kids are all self-motivated and responsible, and fortunately have their daddy's good mental genes!)

The rain in its due season (you know God planned today's rain showers as a sign of mercy to me and my garden) is characteristic of Him and His grace toward me. Just when you think I am wearing down in life, and have come to the end of my motivation and efforts, He is ready to step in and recharge me - redirect - and cover my flaws with His perfect power. I think He does this so HE gets the glory and not myself. For example, for anyone who meets my children and enjoys them, or admires their accomplishments....I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that those things are there because of God....not me. I was used in the process, but as a faulty tool. Yes, homeschooling is an amazing lifestyle, and the best choice for our family, but for me to collect credit would be unthinkable. God's rain of mercy and grace upon our children came in due season - showers early (light and spotty rain, for you non NWesterners) when I still had motivation and enthusiasm....and rain late (heavy, constant) when I was at the end of myself.

"You heavens above, rain down righteousness; let the clouds shower it down.
Let the earth open wide, let salvation spring up, let righteousness grow with it;
I, the LORD, have created it.
Isaiah 45:8

Graduation Countdown

365 days and counting until Abby graduates from high school.

We went to Legacy's graduation ceremony over the weekend. What struck me as we watched the baby-pictures-morphing-into-young-adult-pictures, and as we listened to the parents' exhortations and the graduates appreciation...was that next year that will be US. It will be slides of Baby Abby on screen - shots of her sweet childhood, sibling times, lisp-singing...and then the metamorphosis to this graceful, musical and radiant teen....

It will be Jon and I who have to nutshell her into 150 words. And then somehow manage to articulate through tears. And then stand there as she delivers 100 words back to us....

And then she'll leave us.

I think homeschooling might mean even more to me this time next year than it ever did. I'm wondering if there really is a saturation point in parenting - do you ever get tired of them? Is there ever a moment when you say - "OK! DONE! They know all they possibly could know and so WHOOSH! off they go." I think this time next year I will be glad to say - "I chose to use each moment to be with them - watch them grow - read with them - share adventures and laughter with them....not waste the days with them gone....because too soon they leave, regardless."