Surprises at the Crossroads

This month has been all about waiting.

You might've read earlier that we had some crossroads we were approaching - colleges, schools for Ben, a job for me, a possible relocation to London.....gosh, even what to have for dinner has been occasionally a mystery!

We are still in the dark about college, but the Lord (and the church) did open up a part time job for me. I am not sure what's for dinner tonight, and we're still negotiating the specs about London (hopefully we'll know by tomorrow). In the meanwhile, we research schools for Ben both stateside and in the UK.

But what I've realized is this - I am where God wants me to be. It's okay to wait. It's okay to be excited but it's not okay to be anxious. As long as the day is "today," I am where He wants me to be, no matter where I am tomorrow or the next day. Yes, humanly speaking I wish He'd hurry up the "unveiling" process of my life because months of "what ifs" are beginning to take a toll on me, but I think He's okay with that. I think if I were able to be indefinitely distracted with holiday preparations, or merely trusting in the accuracy of my next grocery list (trust me, you actually shop differently when you think you might move! Costco sized spices are no longer desirable), my trust (anti-anxiety, anti-control) would not be stretched as far.

I am where He wants me to be if I am doing His Will. Geography does not matter. Public or private school does not matter. Rather, what matters is the heart - am I content? Am I at peace because of my trust in Him? Am I loving those around me, and looking for new people to love on? Do I share my stuff, my faith, my time, my money as a good steward? Do I seek His voice and opinion on the matters of my day, my heart and my choices? Do I give Him the glory at all times - whether in times of success or failure, plenty or in want? Am I kind and supportive to my husband and children and bosses? Do I live out of selfishness, or selflessness?

These are the questions whose answers determine if I am where God wants me to be. So today, no matter if we discover the spot we pitch our tent is in the UK or US, or UW or WSU, I will rest in knowing that for me to be in God's will, it doesn't really matter which country or college wins out.

Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed,
we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling...
2 Cor. 5:1-2

God's Storehouse

The 38th Chapter of Job is one of my favorite passages of the Bible.

In it, God is talking to Job and sorta straight-shooting with him about His power. (Job had been in a period of testing and despair - God was setting him straight about Who was in charge, not only over Job but also lightning, snow, the ocean, lions, etc) Anyhow, the whole chapter both thrills me and comforts me.

It thrills me to know that when the weatherman predicts "abominable, drastic, deadly" weather (like he has today with this upcoming winter storm), I actually know the One in charge of all of it. It thrills me to know the Lord has such POWER and can use nature to humble man and cry out to Him. This power can also be contained and can be used to delight and inspire a soul - He can drift little icy filigrees just as easily as He can swamp a city. It thrills me to know the Lord has this power and yet can be exceedingly gentle with me as well - like a mother is with her child, He says. He can choose a mighty thunderclap to get my attention, or a tender pastel sunrise. It thrills me to know He's got storehouses of snow, and can hurl lightning bolts and can limit where waves can crash....man! What a God!

So, tonight as I am home from a freakish blizzard walk...I am at peace. I'm thinking that God's storehouses aren't "snow only" - I think He's got other storehouses full of gifts as well. Peace among them....also joy....wisdom...patience.....faith. These gifts also awe and draw glory to Him, much as the snowfall and storms. And like weather, these gifts can either be rained down gently, or flurry about us in the dark, be hailed upon us mightily, or swirlingly waft around us, ethereal as fog.

This Christmas, I'm looking to Heaven for my gifts, as the region looks to the heavens for signs of weather. Topping my list is wisdom, followed by joy and peace. Praise to the Lord, abundant in all these things - mighty ruler of all - sovereign owner of the gifts - gentle lover of my soul.

"Have you entered the storehouses of the snow
or seen the storehouses of the hail?" Job 38:22

Every good and perfect gift is from above,
coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights,
who does not change like shifting shadows.
James 1:17

Tiptoe at the Crossroads

Today might be the last day possible to write such a blog.

Because my blog theme is "a lot can happen in a year," I must take a few minutes to describe the crossroads at which we are standing tiptoe - trying not to squint too hard at the future, but curious about the path ahead, nonetheless.

Today we might get a college acceptance letter...it's in the air, as some of our friends have received them by now. Abby near or far, Purple or Crimson....

Next week, Jon has an interview for a Microsoft project in London/Paris, that could redefine our next 2 years of family life and what we've mapped out for Katie's senior year...

Next month, a possible job opening for me at the church. Part time, but still with a part time impact on the family. It actually would be cool to see God's hand in this - the job has been on a low simmer since October of 2007! I'm excited to see His purpose and plan for it coming into reality.

Next year, a schooling change for Ben. At this point we see no clear direction - that could be because God has that overseas opportunity instead - but we are evaluating all the options. Public high school, private high school, a hybrid of classes combined with Legacy....we are blessed to have choices! But we want to be wise and mindful of whatever God's best for Ben is....so we pray for guidance.

So, from today to next week to next month to next year - changes and choices abound. We are at peace regarding them all, knowing the Lord has gone before us and true to form, will be gracious to us...providing for all of our needs, and designing a future that is good and will glorify Him. It is exciting to be at this crossroads and to imagine the possibilities!

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

Regrets - Looks Like I Have a Few

Regrets are very unfashionable.

Even to say "I regret my parents divorced" seems to imply you are regretting a milestone that "made you who you are today," and so in essence, regretting something in your past is regretting your true self. Pfft!

Jon and I discussed regrets in parenting last month. We were speaking at a young parents' Life Group on the topic of parenting, so the subject of "what we did right" also begged the question "what mistakes have you made" in parenting....preparing for that talk was a good heart-digging time for us. Fortunately I am Oprah-ized enough to recognize most of my mistakes in parenting have actually turned out ok - it's "who I am today" and also "who my children are today."

Maybe it is because we are so close to the holidays that one regret has surfaced though, and is still an area I am working through.

In an effort to limit materialism, selfishness, greed, and debt, we have always had the policy that birthdays and Christmases are the time you can ask for (and receive) things like toys, videos, cds, clothes, accessories.....gifts! The rest of the year is spent just enjoying those items, and by waiting for holiday gifts, you don't have to deal with the daily distraction of greed. The exception to the clothes rule was getting basics at the beginning of a school year or sports season, or buying an item because a stage role or occasion warranted it. The kids were also free to buy their own stuff (if they had the money - subject for another post).

The downside has been this: I have two children born the week before Christmas. As a result, their wish lists wait for one week of the year...and while they are non-materialistic (parenting goal reached), their wardrobes suffer with this policy. Especially this year with the Recession - we're scrimping for not just ONE holiday, but three (including one sweet-sixteen birthday). Not only do we have a Recession, but also a campaign at our church to reduce consumerism. Shopping is politically incorrect this holiday at OCC....but giving is in.

I guess my dilemma is with balance. Balance of consumerism vs. voluntary poverty. Balance of daughters who aren't slaves to fashion but also who aren't looking like a member of some polygamous sect either. Balance of teaching them how to budget for clothes with the idea of "wants not needs." Balance of giving and saving. Balance of dressing attractively but not to attract. Balance of being low maintenance as a woman, and of keeping the focus on godly character. Balance of living within a small budget when it comes to beauty upkeep so that more money can be donated to those in need. Balance of how much you think of yourself versus thinking of others, and letting your money and time reflect that.

It was easier when the kids were growing and you could replace their clothes because they outgrew them. But for girls, the teen years marks a slowdown of that growth, and they enter the phase of life that says you buy clothing only if you get fatter or thinner...or if you want to remain trendy...or if your old stuff wears out. It's an interesting time to budget in fashion - at what point is it a "want" versus a "need?" How well does the mom reflect appropriate priorities? At what age do you begin to teach these values? To what degree will you sacrifice trendy in order to budget in more charitable giving? To what degree will you abdicate the title of "cool?"

Parenting teenaged girls is such a check on my spirit! They are so aware. Not judgmental, but aware - how much was that haircut? How much did you spend on those boots? Is that a pro pedi or did you do it yourself? Their eyes watch and their brains evaluate - habits are mimicked, values are taught. I'm pretty sure boys wouldn't notice any of that!

So if I could do it over, I'd do a combination of two things:

• Have you heard the one about the "3 Gift Christmas?" I like it. Basically you are limiting your child's gift number to the amount that Jesus got, so it can't get all out of control.
  
• Because we'd be limited to 3 gifts, I'd make sure to budget (as in, spell it out and live it out) monthly expenditures for clothes and personal maintenance. Therefore, the girls' wardrobes would be kept fresh without sacrificing the focus on Jesus at Christmastime. Crown Financial Ministries has a good budget calculator - I'm considering implementing it for 2009. (http://www.crown.org/Tools/Calculators/ )

...give me neither poverty nor riches!
Give me just enough to satisfy my needs.
For if I grow rich, I may deny you and say, “Who is the Lord?”
And if I am too poor, I may steal and thus insult God’s holy name.
(Psalm 30:8-9)

Thanksgiving

6:30 am Thanksgiving morning and the house is still asleep. Time to reflect before the chopping, baking, dish washing and hosting.

• Thankful for my husband. He is such a hard worker, and keeps our home in working order plus food on the table. It is an honor to be his helpmeet - it helps that he is so smart and wise (can't say that for everyone!) and funny and has those cute sparkly eyes. He's a great dad and a man of great integrity...I didn't know when I married him how critical that is!
• Thankful for my kids. They are increasingly enjoyable - they make me proud and they make me laugh. I am proud of their character (honest, diligent, creative, trustworthy) and their accomplishments. They are nice to be around (which is a good thing to say no matter what age you are).
• Thankful for the extended family. Everyone is healthy, and every one is a blessing in their own way. Jon and I are so fortunate to come from families that place their priorities honorably - it's provided such a strong foundation. They are a constant encouragement to us!
  
• Thankful for our church. Our friendships and ministry opportunities have enriched our marriage, family, and personal lives so much. Not simply encouragement for the journey, but challenge and fellowship as well. Thankful for the ministry we receive from being in ministry!
  
• Thankful for our jobs. We completely realize Jon's job is Providential, and are at the Lord's mercy for the continuation of his employment after February. My job as homemaker and homeschooler are also Providential - if Jon's job goes, my job goes! Humbly we ask for that cup to pass, and humbly we look at how I can help, should it not. We are also thankful for the kids' jobs - that is, of being full time students. Education is a privilege and both homeschooling and Running Start have been tremendous blessings to us!
• Thankful for our health. Again, mercy. Again, humble and complete gratefulness. Thankful for not only our immediate family's health, but also the grandparents...how blessed we are to have them involved and active and able to "endure" many visits with us!
• Thankful for our country. This could be a post all on its own. But this year - thankful to know a hero like John McCain and receive inspiration from him...thankful for articulate, bright and capable women like Sarah Palin...and thankful for the chance to exercise my hope muscle that the "change" Obama promises will help get our country out of this economic pit.

Well, Ben's awake now and I hear other Turkey Bowlers rustling around upstairs....so I will sign off.

This time next year - Abby home from college for the weekend! God willing - we'll all be together counting our blessings and adding to them - in Him we trust.

I will praise God's name in song and glorify Him with thanksgiving.
Psalm 69:30

When the Banks Closed, We Opened Our Hearts

Depression settles over America.

No, not simply an economic depression, but an emotional one too. America is being stripped down to reveal what is at its core....stripped by daily news of stocks diving and job losses. Bleak forecasters have colored this holiday season in shades of gray for consumers, and red for retailers. The emotional toll is being taken because there seems to be no relief in sight - no bailout is fixing the trouble, no solution seems to be arising. Regrets are abounding over impulse purchases, maxed out mortgages, credit card risk, and foolishness of every type. Panic is now setting in as friends are losing jobs on a daily basis. Crisis meetings are taking place in offices, churches, and at the family dinner table.

In the spirit of it all, I went to the library a few weeks ago and checked out a bunch of books on the Great Depression. "When the Banks Closed, We Opened Our Hearts" was one, "A Nickel's Worth of Skim Milk" another. I wanted to gain a perspective on how a generation went through a similar season. What lessons did they learn that we can glean from? What wisdom do they have now about economics, hardship and perseverance?

I learned about hobos - knocking on doors and being fed along their way....along their way where? To the train tracks where they could ride the rails to....where? Supposed land of opportunity? Or just ride the rails because it provided a dry roof over their heads?

I read about soup kitchens and the long lines of humble, hungry families.

I read about brave housewives who fed hobos (brave!) and who converted their homes to boardinghouses...or who simply sucked it up and let their in-laws come live with them. No, not just their parents in-law but also their uncles, aunts and cousins. Not simply "every bed filled" but also filled to overflowing. These same housewives grew gardens and created simple meals off the proverbial shoestring.

I read about kids who put cardboard in their shoes to cover the holes. Who didn't finish their education so they could work and contribute to the family budget.

I read about dads who jumped out windows because they felt overwhelmed by the stock market crash, and that their self-worth only amounted to their net worth.

As I reflect on these readings - before I return them to the library - I think about where America is now, and that core to which it is being stripped. I hope the core is not one of miscalculated self worth. Nor that money is the root of our joy and our security. I think, though, if we find ourselves left with a core like that, it's the perfect time for God to step in and readjust our focus. We're probably easier to work with when we aren't shackled by greed and fear!

As we approach Thanksgiving, it's my personal prayer that when I am stripped of everything else, there is a core that is built on solid faith in the Lord. Layers wrap around that core - I choose hope and humor and generosity and prudence and perseverance! I will choose to limit Depression to one of economics, not emotion.

Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.
Psalm 20:7

Long Time No Post

Were you raised with the maxim, "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all?"

I think the quote is attributed to Peter Rabbit's mother. Or, my Granny Kay. Either way, the phrase has been an unspoken approach to communication in my life....thus, my silence on my blog over the last few weeks. It was nice to be missed, though! I'll see if I can pick up where I left off.

Over the course of the last month we've had 2 fender benders (my fault), my new van "smashed and grabbed," one mento up and quit on me, and our garage door break (the fixed van is now stuck in the garage until this weekend when Jon fixes the door!). It's been upwards of $1K in unforeseen expenses just in the past couple of weeks, and loads of hassles with mechanics and crippled vans. Of course, the election didn't lift our spirits to compensate! Add in the economy and job insecurity...the list could go on and on.

The net-net (dad phrase there, I think it means "bottom line") is that with each passing day there were stresses that did not lend itself to my writing muse, let's just say that much. :) (see how good I am with my Granny Kay's maxim?)

God has been teaching me quite a bit though. Here are my lessons from Oct/Nov:

• People are more important than things. What caused me tears and unslept nights was the break in the mentor relationship, not the hemorrhaging of cash nor the transportation hassles. The fender bender's grip of terror on me was knowing there were elderly people in the other car, not the scratch of paint or the boatload of cash it took to aright their dent.

• Ministry is a risk, but a necessary one. When God asks you to do something, the important thing on your end is to be obedient. Investing in people - being vulnerable and open and giving and committed does not entitle you to the same from them. It is like any relationship - you might do your best, but that does not guarantee you will receive that in kind. Your heart may be broken. Humans fail each other.
  

• God heals broken hearts. I think instead of super glue, though, God chooses to stitch together broken hearts. With each little piercing of His needle, and each tug of the thread, there is a little pain and anguish. Each poke and tug is His Spirit working in you and showing you things....like, where you went wrong.....like, what His Word says about the situation......and, both the times you were selfish and when you were acting in righteousness. It's as if this healing pain had a purpose - that He does not permit the broken heart to heal without allowing it to make a difference in your life. He uses the balm of His Spirit, but the stitching hurts....when the pain abates, the healing is complete.

• I married the right man. I wonder if this is how it is with my relationship with God too? Is it this way for you - that when things are going so swimmingly, you sorta get independent and think you are handling everything so perfectly on your own? And then in times of despair or sadness you get a dose of God's comfort and you say to Him - "Lord! I love you! I am so grateful for you in my life!!!" Your worship is then more poignant, your devotion more complete? Well, over the past month I've brought my brokenness to God and Jon, and was sweetly touched by Jon's forgiveness, mercy, and tenderness toward me. Imagine two fender benders in less than 24 hours? Imagine! One was cause enough for him to worry....but two? I thought I was going to need to whip out the defibrillator ....but instead all I needed was a big ole box of kleenex for me when he chose to hold and comfort me instead of lecture or scold. Tears still pop up when I recall his grace. Anyhow, it all served to further devote my heart to this man, not because of duty or position, but because of love. Through all the trials of this past month, I think this result of rekindling has been worth it all.
  

So, thus ends my lesson listing. If I were a superstitious woman, I would say "gosh I hope our season of trials can end now because look at how well I've learned the lessons God planned for me!" It does seem like trials come in waves! I am incredibly ready to move on now - I would love to get back into my blessing groove! But I also consider it joy to carry with me my stitched and healing heart, my reignited love for my husband, and my realignment of priorities.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete,
not lacking anything.
(James 1:2-4)