Simply Pathetic!

I am a wimp!

Today was a practice day for me to be here and for Abby to be there. Did not like it one bit.

I was supposed to be the parent taking her to WSU for Cougar Day - campus tour, chat with the Communications Dept, BBQ and football game....but instead I had to be home to teach Home Fellowship Group tonight. So, off went Abby and Jon at 4:30 am, and I've been anxiously awaiting a phone call or text ALL DAY LONG!

AND NOTHING!

They have either forgotten their phones (not likely for a teen) or their chargers or Pullman is some podunk town with no T-Mobile coverage. Sometime during their trip home their phone will get into a live area and my texts and messages will grab their attention hopefully.

A friend told me to get used to this. AAAAGHHH - this is very very very difficult to imagine! But there is Abby having all these new impressions and experiences, ones that I feel are more important than the average-time-away-from-home ones, since we're still in such deliberation over where she should go to college....anyhow, if I were there with her I'd be able to debrief and infer and deduce and intuitate....and I can't. Grrr. This is what it looks like to not be in control, nor in touch, nor "simpatico" with the first born.

Next year she'll be somewhere, and I will be here. I won't know her friends. I won't get to debrief after parties or classes. I won't be able to read her face or see her eyes sparkle or shine with tears. I won't be able to see her little toes every day. No goodnight or goodmorning kisses.

I think I already have a chunk of my heart in Pullman and she doesn't even go there yet. I'm home and I'm homesick.

Psalm 139:8-10

If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

Embarrassment of Riches

So I finished "Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne. Thought I'd throw in a little book report since it's such a hot topic book...

Basically it boils down to this man's gathering of stories of how to live as Jesus would live in this world. Claiborne is an "ordinary radical" much as Jesus was.

When the book was recommended to me by two people twice in one week, I was intrigued. The first person verbally "threw the book at me" as a challenge to my lifestyle and beliefs; the second inspired me to read it with his own personal excitement for what the book provoked in him. Anyhow, because the first recommendation came with that challenge, I had some defenses to break down before I could hear Claiborne's heart. Pride was my chief stumbling block.

I appreciated Claiborne's take on the Church (we need to do more) and community (we need to connect way more than we're already doing). I value his call to Voluntary Poverty and believe he's doing that successfully! Because of reading this book, I look at things like my pantry (which is stuffed to the point of needing micro-organizing to fit it all in) and my checkbook (which sadly, if a stranger looked through it, they wouldn't infer that I care much about the poor). Because I am an application-type-learner, I'd like to move forward and be a better steward of my resources, and be more hands (and cash) on with my concern for the poor.

Writing that makes me sound quite mechanical, and most readers of "Irresistible Revolution" would cringe at such a response. I'm sure their hearts break over Claiborne's stories, and to a degree mine did as well....yet....experiences and common sense meld with emotions in me.

Experiences like visiting North Philadelphia and seeing Campolo's work over a long weekend...seeing both the joys of reward (we got to go on a 4th of July outing with his inner city kids, which was such fun! also witnessing the bonds and relationships within the community) and the realities of the situation (families working the welfare system pretty strategically, Christian or nonChristian). Deduction: Campolo's ministry is imperfect - it has a terrific heart (helping the needy, choosing poverty, etc) and yet it didn't have all the answers for these people. Granted, little is better than nothing...more importantly - these workers are being obedient to God's call on their life, so I trust the fruit is rich and abundant.

I mostly take issue with Claiborne's judgement on Christians. He's a little heavy with his criticism of Christians in suburbia - with their self-centered lifestyles and their samplings of behavior that "makes them feel better" - like donating money to a cause, or going on short-term missions. He gave me a feel that he snubs even third party charities like World Vision - where a donor can write a check but not interact personally with the receiver - that donating to such is ineffective or wrong. My thought is that God has called Claiborne to a certain lifestyle - playing in fire hydrants with inner city children, sleeping in the streets with the homeless, packing up and going to India or Iraq to hug the ill or wounded.....and he is being obedient to that call, which is awesome. However, to cast judgement on Christians who are not following that exact pattern is spiritually presumptuous.

I believe God has called Christians into all walks of life, and we are to be obedient to Him wherever we are - we are to serve those around us, be examples and sources of love and grace, and to use our gifts and talents for His Kingdom. For one, that might be Iraq. For another, it could be Wall Street. There are certain challenges of being Salt and Light in either location - one could slip into self-righteousness ('oh, look how i suffer so! i must be a great Christian') or into self-dependence ('oh, look at my paycheck - i am so talented and successful!')...but the point is that it is the Lord who will direct a man's steps and inspire/strengthen/equip him for every good work which was determined before the earth's foundation was laid. I'm not sure all of us are called to play in fire hydrants 24/7. In fact, I think God has sprinkled His people throughout the world for a purpose - some are working Wall Street to underwrite someone else's ministry in the fire hydrant....knowwhatimean?

I see now where many readers of "Irresistible Revolution" have gotten their reverse discrimination worldview. What Claiborne might've intended was to inspire the Church to action - to sacrifice and to Christlikeness....but what has resulted instead is a skewed perspective on other Christians, I believe. The focus has changed from Grace and the contents of a man's heart - to one of works and self-righteousness. (IF you have slept on the streets with the homeless, THEN you are a real Christian. IF you live in poverty, THEN you are wise and I'll listen to you. IF you live in a ghetto, THEN you are Christlike. And the converse? IF you afford braces for your child's teeth, THEN you have an ungodly take on finances. IF you have only done short-term missions, THEN you shouldn't voice opinions on global matters, etc....retch)

To me it seems like such a slippery slope. We desire to have Christ's heart and mind, yet how quickly do we take works to analyze/judge ourselves and others? And once we've categorized other Christians, we reversely discriminate - only choosing to care for, love, listen to, involve with - those who are disenfranchised or who have the same level of (self) righteousness that we perceive ourselves to have. I think the bigger challenge than hugging children in Iraq or playing in fire hydrants is to daily/hourly/minutely humble ourselves, to love others, and to listen for God's promptings on how we spend our money, time, energy, gifts, etc....and then to obey those promptings. If the Body of Christ operated like that, not only would we be a "well-oiled machine" but also a phenomenal witness. The more time we spend nitpicking each other and trying to find modern day Pharisees, the more we are enslaved by the enemy who would like to see nothing more than for us to be ineffective!

Grace = need more.

Pullman or PLNU?

This is the time of year we plan for next year.

Next September all of our questions will have answers with them - well, at least regarding colleges. This month Abby studies for the SATs, visits campuses, and strives for excellence at BCC. She works on her deadlines and essays and we ask questions of "those who have gone before" in hopes of narrowing her career focus. We pray and we pray about things like housing, environment, readiness and worldviews.

At this juncture it appears her colleges have been whittled down to two choices - WSU and PLNU. Both with outstanding broadcast journalism/communications departments, but one dressed in frugality and beer, and one in cost and Christianity. (I know full well that reputations aren't always 100% correct, these are just broad generalizations)

So, we are at a crossroads of decision. It is an exciting place to be!

If I were to choose today, I might go with WSU because of it's relative proximity. (5 hours by car versus 3 hours by plane....or 24 hours by car! yikes) I look at Abby and think of her being so SO far away in Southern California and it just about breaks my heart. I know our visits would be confined to major holidays only - aaaaghhh that seems pretty unthinkable from where I'm sitting now!

I'm wondering if other moms feel like I do. Had I sent her away to school all these years, would I be more comfortable with her absence? Had she been a difficult teenager, would that absence be welcomed? Will this senior year be such a time of maturing that by next September we'll both be ready for the separation? Did my parents ever feel this way? (I think not!)

Anyhow, I do not regret our homeschooling. If I were hit by a truck today, I would have been thankful for our extra hours together, and I would've been grateful for the bond we share - I would have confidence that she would have both quantity and quality of memories after I was gone. In fact, our homechooling has given me a scooch more confidence that she is rooted and grounded in the most important things, and wherever she ends up she'll be just fine! It's actually just me that might not be.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

(Psalm 139: 7-10)

Glimpse of the Past, Glimpse of the Future

So today as we were packing the van for our car trip to Newport, I got a glimpse of the past and a glimpse of the future.

The glimpse of the past came to me in memories of my own family going on car trips - most often it was to our grandparents' house in Bishop, CA....6 hours from home. We had the trip down to a science - stopped at Astro Burger every time for lunch in the middle of the blazing desert...my dad would blare his classical music from the rear speakers so as to assure conversation privacy with mom...and I was sure to sleep through at least half the trip. Anyhow, thinking back on my childhood car trips made me appreciate all the details my parents covered so effortlessly - mom would provide snacks (she's more of a grape snacker than a chip or candy snacker - in fact, I can't recall any junk food on trip!), and dad would load the luggage and make sure the car was in good condition.

My family's style of travel was to only knock down 8 hours max in the car - or was that because we never went further than that? We had relatives in the Bay Area, so getting to San Francisco never took longer than 8 hours....and if we were driving any further north, the rest of the miles could be taken after a night's stop with them. I suppose we flew more often than we drove - hmmm....no wonder it seems new to plan car trips with Jon!

My parents are both hyper-planners, so we always had reservations at hotels (AAA approved, of course) and we always knew ahead of time where our stops were going to be. This is a big difference with Jon and I - he'd prefer to drive the 22 hours straight to Newport - and/or just stop along the way when we are worn out....playing Hotel Roulette, no AAA suggestions needed.

Anyhow, the glimpse into the future was thinking of how my children will do vacations with their own children. Will they pack grapes or candy? Will they plan and make reservations or just drive through the night? Will they eat in familiar chain restaurants or greasy local spoons? Will they lose their temper when unexpected and annoying things arise? Will they splurge on books instead of fashion? Will they fly or drive?

It's cool to think of my kids one day orchestrating their family travels. I hope our trip this week gives them ideas to grow on for that "one day" that they are in charge! Praying Jon and I will invest in their "happy childhood memory bank" for the day they reflect back on family travel. Travel, not travail. That is my goal. :)

You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 16:11

Showers Early, Rain Later

Today's forecast was "showers early, rain later."

My response? HOORAY! Double backflips and high five's all around - this is great news! (albeit redundant and/or confusing...reminds me of how Eskimos supposedly have a jillion words to describe "snow".....Seattle forecasters have a jillion different ways to describe rain!)

Anyhow, my jubilance is a result of a deep character flaw of mine. I would rather sacrifice a day (or two) of rain and chill in the summer so that I don't have to water my plants any more.

By August I am so tired to death of my plants and am ready for them all to just die and be covered with moss again. Here in the Pacific Northwest, most people don't have watering systems (because the Good Lord takes care of that naturally, practically DAILY)....but when the sky is cloudless, one must troop out to the garden with a hose and tenderly saturate the flowers/grass/shrubs/baby trees by hand. QUITE time consuming, and quite annoying on a daily basis. I generally assign the job to my children, but every third day or so it's up to me to go out and do it properly - deeply to the roots, not just getting the leaves wet and calling it good.

As an aside, I am not the cruelest gardener in the NW. A friend of mine deliberately waters her plants lightly so that they keep a shallow root system! Thus, they barely survive on mere drops - thus, her workload is lighter. Cruelty!

In May I am the most enthusiastic of gardeners - excited to get my new plants, hanging baskets and thrilled to see perreniels coming back and setting blooms. In June my garden looks clean and fairly tidy - roses begin to bloom and everything is fresh and colorful. By the end of July, though, I'm starting to assign garden work to my kids - my back is hurting - and weeds are emerging, rose leaves are blackspotting, petunias need deadheading. (thankfully my mom was here in late July - she is a star gardener and is tireless and creative in my yard) Now it is August, and I'm ready for being the lazy gardener again....no more backyard dinners, no more guests to sit on the patio and stare at my blackspot.....ready to just reign everyone in and keep just the house clean and presentable.

So my deep character flaw that this represents is my lack of completion focus. Since childhood, I've been a great project starter but a poor finisher. This is one reason I only had 3 kids, and had them in 3.5 years - I knew I could be really really great at starting a family (seemed to have all the equipment working right, and really adored those early years too!), but I wanted to make sure I didnt' string things out too much and risk doing a really poor job with the last child. I didn't want to be too burned out to read bedtime stories, or to not give adequate time. This character flaw was my parents' main concern (and then sorta mine, too) about homeschooling - would it be a project that got off to an enthusiastic start, but then peter out and my children would be couch surfers and fulltime droolers? (the answer to this burning question is yes: I have relaxed an awful lot in my homeschooling efforts, but fortunately I sowed enough good seeeds at the beginning - the kids are all self-motivated and responsible, and fortunately have their daddy's good mental genes!)

The rain in its due season (you know God planned today's rain showers as a sign of mercy to me and my garden) is characteristic of Him and His grace toward me. Just when you think I am wearing down in life, and have come to the end of my motivation and efforts, He is ready to step in and recharge me - redirect - and cover my flaws with His perfect power. I think He does this so HE gets the glory and not myself. For example, for anyone who meets my children and enjoys them, or admires their accomplishments....I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that those things are there because of God....not me. I was used in the process, but as a faulty tool. Yes, homeschooling is an amazing lifestyle, and the best choice for our family, but for me to collect credit would be unthinkable. God's rain of mercy and grace upon our children came in due season - showers early (light and spotty rain, for you non NWesterners) when I still had motivation and enthusiasm....and rain late (heavy, constant) when I was at the end of myself.

"You heavens above, rain down righteousness; let the clouds shower it down.
Let the earth open wide, let salvation spring up, let righteousness grow with it;
I, the LORD, have created it.
Isaiah 45:8

Baby's First Bar Mitzvah

Well, my mom can finally write in my baby book that I got to attend a Bar Mitzvah! Finally!

We took the whole family, even though the girls don't know Sam much. I recognized this as a unique cultural opportunity, so we slapped on the sundresses and sandals, ties and belts, and off we went.

Katie will one day blog about her own strong opinions regarding the occasion. :) Suffice to say for now she'd like to marry a Messianic Jew, but she is sensitive to any smack of idol worship, even if it is the Torah that people are focusing on.

A few things I really liked:

• the strong family presence in the ceremony - aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents (and parents, of course). I am curious whether or not family is present as much in every day Temple life - in contrast, sometimes I feel like at our church I have no clue who the students' parents are.....I have a sneaking suspicion a lot of them are just dropped off. Anyhow, I really really liked seeing family.

• I liked the charge to the young man/woman to revere the Torah's teachings and to make it a priority to study it throughout their life on a daily basis. The Torah was definitely the star of the show - wow! I loved that. It showed such respect. Sometimes I think in NW3 we are almost apologetic about the amount of scripture we ask our kids to study at the midweek - like "oops - here is a portion - eeek - it's almost 10 verses...SORRY!" And at Temple yesterday there was pretty much nonstop readings and prayers from scripture - no apologies.
  

• I also liked the ceremony. It recognizes a new phase in life - that of being old enough to be responsible and mature and growing in one's faith. Granted, not every 13 year old would be ready for such a charge - but if not at 13, then when? Americans extend youth beyond what it really should be - some 20-somethings could use a little "charge" to get them going! LOL. I think ceremonies help by giving life a little shape - some stepping stones, so to speak.

Mazel Tov!

Reaction to John Edwards

Last week the news of John Edwards' infidelity broke in the mainstream media.

Audible gasps emanated from American women, and even a few male eyebrows raised. To think of a man cheating on a wife with incurable cancer! The disdain was palpable in the press, at the water cooler, and at the family dinner table.

It did get me thinking about the degree to which we can tolerate infidelity. John Edwards' perhaps couldn't have easily gotten away with this even ten years ago - at that point, he and his wife had suffered through the death of their oldest son, Wade, and were planning Part Two of their family with the births of Emma and Jack. But rewind back perhaps 2o years when he was "just" married with 2 children - had he been unfaithful then, would our collective response be different?

Thirty years with a spouse....4 children...a bleak outlook regarding her cancer...yes, the disdain for his unfaithfulness is warranted. But I would like to purpose that our reaction to infidelity should be the same if he were "just" married, even without children or cancer in the picture. Bearing children or cancer cells does not make you any more valuable as a human being - Elizabeth should elicit the same honor and respect from her husband no matter her medical condition. And we as a culture should treat each marital affair - whether in the news or in our neighborhood - with the same amount of shock and awe as we did last week when Edwards was exposed.

Another thought that has been percolating in regards to this story: what I call "The Canonization of Cancer." We see it here with the Edwards. Again, if we rewound the tape 20 years ago and he had cheated on her precancer, would we have been as disturbed by this story? (It's somewhat unfortunate to use Elizabeth as our example here because I truly do admire her in so many ways!) Let's imagine she is an amazing and yet flawed woman (like so many of us are!). Let's even go as far to say she is 75% amazing and 25% flawed, just for the purpose of this exercise. So - with a cancer diagnosis, does her 25% flaw either disappear or become instantly forgiven and erased from memory?

My point here is that I also think our culture canonizes, or creates saints, out of cancer victims. While I believe the hardship of cancer certainly hones and refines and develops character, I find it interesting to consider that America considers it is a "free pass" of sorts. No longer are you accountable for past actions and behavior - instead you are seen through lenses of compassion and grace. No longer will we tolerate your spouse cheating on you. Almost overnight you are raised to a new level of human value. At this level you deserve fidelity, honesty, forgiveness, kindness and respect.

My point here is that we should challenge ourselves to consider all humans with such value. Would we treat our spouse differently if we had a medical report in our hand? If the biopsy comes back negative, do we not forgive as readily? If the biopsy is positive, do we then end our philandering? Or at the least do we curtail our selfishness? For our friends - do we communicate more gracefully, love more generously, only when they are diagnosed?

How much would a cancer diagnosis change our ministry, relationships...our personality and perspective?

Teach us to number our days aright,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
~Psalm 90:12