Parenting: Using the Fussing Corner

Every parent has their pet peeve about children - their own, and others' children.

My particular pet peeve is whining. What bugs me about it is the underlying attitude of most whining - it is unthankful, it is rebellious, it selfish, and it is petty. Yes, of course a child who is sick or overtired is whining because they don't have the maturity to nobly cope with hardship! I am talking about all other types of whining in this case.

One observation I've made about whining is that it does not improve with age if it is not disciplined away. I have seen school-aged children whine about what's on their dinner plate, junior highers whine about "needing" a cell phone, high schoolers whining about their "unfair teachers"....I'm sure even some adults still whine! So I don't think it behooves a parent to ignore or distract their toddler/preschooler when they are whining - I don't think it's something a human outgrows. I think parents need to deal with it straight on.

Little tidbit from the Acone home: we used the Fussing Corner as a place that was okay for the kid to whine and tantrum in....the point was that it was out of sight from ME (thus keeping my blood pressure low plus not reinforcing them in this state). It was located in the hallway by the front door - out in plain sight (therefore safe) and easy to get to for little legs. Away from toys. Away from fun. Away from sympathetic grandparent glances. :)

When the child began to whine or tantrum in any way, I would give the neutralized tone of voice "how about you go to the fussing corner until you are done, and then you can come out and we'll talk about it" (or "play" or "finish dinner"). After awhile, the child began to turn their attitude around as they simply walked toward the corner - they were able to stop the tear flow, or adjust the tone of voice....they knew that spending time in the corner with their bad attitude wasn't really going to get them the payoff they desired (attention, the toy they were fighting over, certainly it wasn't going to get them their way!). Basically, spending time in the corner was considered a waste of energy and my kids were smart enough to learn how to cope with negative feelings before it got the better of them.

After they were done fussing and had come out of the corner, of course there was always my positive and warm greeting, and there was something GOOD to participate in. This doesn't mean they were rewarded for coming out with a good attitude - that would be classified as bribery - but I do believe that being a good citizen (getting along, being cheerful, sharing with others) has rewards of its own....people are happy to see you, you can be a part of group activities, you can eat a good meal, play with your toys, and enjoy the harmony of friendly relationships. Being in the corner with tears and a mad heart is a bummer. Being stuck in the corner with a drag IS a drag!

I think I can attribute my daughters' pleasant teenaged attitudes to the use of the Fussing Corner. The principle of "adjust the negative attitude" is fairly engrained by now, and we've avoided the "typical" emotional rollercoaster that preteen and teen girls have earned a reputation for riding. No, they aren't emotionally stunted...but they do laugh an enormous amount more than they ever cry, and they are cheery and agreeable and long-suffering...even when sick or during long travels or doing hard labor or being inconvenienced. I think the basic premise of whining not paying off has virtually eliminated that from their character.

God has been so good to me to help me deal with the issue of whining, since it has always been my pet peeve. By eliminating that monster from our home, we have been left with an atmosphere of peace which is where Jon and I function best. Probably all of us do! I hope if you are having issues with whining or fussing that you will try a Fussing Corner for a month and enjoy the results. My bet is that you'll keep it once you give it a trial run.

For the despondent, every day brings trouble;

for the happy heart, life is a continual feast. (Pr. 15:15)

Parenting Advice: First Step Toward Doom?

I consider myself not superstitious. I don't knock on wood, I avoid horoscopes, and think pretty much anyone consulting a stargazer is going to hell in a handbasket. :)

But one thing that has challenged me as an older, "been down the road" type of woman is the subject of advice giving. I am all for authors and speakers and mentors to share their wisdom with those who are further behind in the journey! In fact, I do think that is biblical and wise and practical....three of my favorite things. But when I presume to give advice I shudder at crossing the line between humility and pride....where angels fear to tread, if you glance through the Bible at what God thinks of proud people! He opposes them! He lowers them! Two things that strike fear into my heart.

Well, a few people have commented to me before that they think I should write a book on parenting. :) Somehow I feel like the minute I pen a paragraph on parenting, my children will up and rebel as a way for God to keep my ego in check. It has never been worth that kind of gamble for me - I've been happy to just continue the course I'm on, and enjoy the results.....but....then someone else will ask for parenting wisdom and I think - if I share some and maintain humility, then it's the best of both worlds, right? I am in God's Will both in attitude and in practice.The challenge is to offer advice and maintain a humble spirit so that God doesn't have to take out the pruning shears.

So gulp - here goes the first of a few posts on parenting. Consider it free material - feel free to debate me on it if you disagree - or feel free to ignore it. My disclaimer at the outset is that I am confident the Lord has co-parented with me and has filled my gaps....in no way do I claim to have reached the finish line in parenting yet! But with God's help I have enjoyed each stage of my children's lives (with the exception of a challenging first year with Abby) and they continue to bless Jon and I, as well as those around them. (for those who don't know them personally, Abby is 17, Katie is 15.5 and Ben is 13.5). This continual blessing is what I desire others to have in their home, as we have.

Most of the people who ask me for parenting tips are those with babies and toddlers and school-aged kids, so that's where I'll start.

Stay tuned.

New Year in SL

Last night was our first night of Student Leadership for 08/09.

Rory and I led the two groups in back-to-back mode, which is so cool. The JHers are so young and squirrely - but have these amazing insights that constantly surprise me. We have 10 (out of 17) new faces on board - I can't wait to see if a year mellows out the squirrels, and I can't wait to see these guys in all new situations - camps, Sundays, and hopefully Mexico!

The HSers of course were way more chill and sophisticated. :) They are such superstars too - as I looked around the room I could tell stories in my heart of the way they have served so much already - they are indeed the cream of the crop.

This could be my last year with SLeadership....in my heart I've purposed to finish with Abby's class which would make it a full 10 years in ministry with that group. Granted, the other classes tend to worm their way into my heart eventually too - so it might turn out that I can't leave until they're ALL gone! Anyhow, that will be interesting - this time next year will I be in SL? I wonder how clearly/strongly God will lead me on that one.

Graduation Countdown

365 days and counting until Abby graduates from high school.

We went to Legacy's graduation ceremony over the weekend. What struck me as we watched the baby-pictures-morphing-into-young-adult-pictures, and as we listened to the parents' exhortations and the graduates appreciation...was that next year that will be US. It will be slides of Baby Abby on screen - shots of her sweet childhood, sibling times, lisp-singing...and then the metamorphosis to this graceful, musical and radiant teen....

It will be Jon and I who have to nutshell her into 150 words. And then somehow manage to articulate through tears. And then stand there as she delivers 100 words back to us....

And then she'll leave us.

I think homeschooling might mean even more to me this time next year than it ever did. I'm wondering if there really is a saturation point in parenting - do you ever get tired of them? Is there ever a moment when you say - "OK! DONE! They know all they possibly could know and so WHOOSH! off they go." I think this time next year I will be glad to say - "I chose to use each moment to be with them - watch them grow - read with them - share adventures and laughter with them....not waste the days with them gone....because too soon they leave, regardless."

So, here is a "before" and an "after" picture of my jawline. The "before" was taken the night before the surgery - my small group went out for "formal night along Kirkland waterfront", so I got to be happily distracted from my upcoming disfiguration. :)

They say "a lot can happen in a year" so I'm hoping my scar will shrink and fade in a year's time.

My Scarlet Letter

I have a scarlet letter to wear for the rest of my life. It is an "L", right on my jawline.

L is for LAME....someone who slathers themselves with baby oil and lays on the beach to fry, day after sunny day, year after year growing up in Newport Beach....oh, and without sunscreen....they are LAME.

L is for LOST....I lost a chunk of skin cancer yesterday and got 15 stitches instead.

L is for LAUGHTER....the kids still have that, and tease about finally getting to qualify for college scholarships because their mom "has cancer."

L is for LOVED....I feel that way because Jon is far more worried about my health than about my appearance. Sweetly and surprisingly encouraging to such an old woman as myself.

Goodbye Pastor Dave

Today at church I will wish I wore waterproof mascara.

I know I'll cry during Pastor Dave's "tribute service" or whatever the term is....it's his last service to lead worship before he leaves OCC. In honor of his 27 years there, the choir and orchestra will be reuniting and worshiping one last time together. I got a sneak peak at their rehearsal on Wednesday night and was bowled over by the amount of people on stage...amazing!! Amazed to think of that amount of people once having been a part of the OCC family... and now... gone - that's how I read the full stage.

I'm trying to be a big girl and recognize this moment as a glimpse of heaven - that when we are there, we will be reunited with faces that were precious to us, and we will worship together and it will be good and crowded and musical. (no tears then though!)

Anyhow, I think I grieve Pastor Dave's departure on a few levels. One, the immature level of me that hates change. :) Two, the level of me that recognizes a Good Man and the benefit of having one around. You really can't ask for a more righteous man than Pastor Dave, and sitting under his teaching or basking in his presence is really a blessing. I am SO GLAD that Katie got to work under him this past year as the choir pianist - God really saw ahead of the game on that one and knew to put her in that spot for a brief but blessed season! Thirdly, I think genetically I have a grief for losing part of the arts at our church - choir and orchestra. I think, being the granddaughter of a choral conductor, that my appreciation for a broader range of music transcends into a broader range of worship style (said conductor grandfather was also a worship pastor).

So, on all those levels - the immature, the respectful and the genetic - I will be wishing I had waterproof mascara today at church.