A Matter of Perspective

So many people are worried about me this week.

They know how connected I am to Abigail, and how she and I are more than cut out of the same cloth (similarity does not always breed affection). We are the type of friends who finish each others sentences, laugh at the same things, and talk/listen/ask/rinse/repeat.

So with her departure for college in the morning, it is a sentimental time...but I want to tell you I will be okay. And so will she. And I want to tell you why the perspective change .

Earlier this summer we journeyed through the death of a friend's 20-year old son. He spent seventeen days in a coma before he passed away - each day a combination of hope, grief, weakness... then strength from the Lord....but then came time for them to say goodbye. Ryan passed away on July 16, surrounded by much love. His mom, Linda, was for me a mentor of types - how to hold a child close, but with open hands. How to grieve yet still hope. How to be assured that for a Christian, you never really say "goodbye."

Anyhow, of course such a season brought to mind our "change in season" with Abigail. No longer did leaving her on the WSU doorstep seem unfathomable - no longer did waiting until Thanksgiving seem like an eternity. Ryan's mom, Linda, put a new perspective on being out of arms reach with your child. And about completely trusting God with the care of your child! She has inspired me to give thanks in all circumstances and choose joy.

So while I will miss the everydayness of Abigail - her laugh, her physical comedy and warm hugs...her cute little toes and her household help...her little devo insights and Spanglish and....well, the list could go on and on....while I will miss all of that, I thank God for skype, email, Facebook, cell phones, and texting. But even without all that, I am thankful the Lord has promised those who love Him an eternal home - thus, Christians never have to say goodbye!

Thank you Linda for blessing me with this perspective - keeping my eyes on the eternal! (I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow when I look in the rearview mirror at her little waving hand.)

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. (Col. 3:1-2)

Note to Daughter: Order Steak

We're in the "final days" before sending Abby off to WSU. Last minute lists are scribbled - buy computer paper, find a fan, do you really need a new robe? Conversations between mom & dad in private revolve around finances (how much does she need every month for food?) and fears (will mom cry the entire 4.5 hours home after dropping her off? and if so, what does dad do about that?).

One fear that Jon naturally has as a protective father involves the guys that Abby will meet at WSU. He knows she is a savvy scholar, but what will happen if a sleazy sweet-talker comes her way?

I told him not to worry...that once you've had steak, why would you order hamburger?

Of course that startled him - to find out this way that his daughter has "already had steak!" But she has...and in so many ways.

Abigail firstly has been raised by a loving, interactive father. He has been honest with her and has exhibited faithfulness, godliness, tenderness, and a great work ethic. (plus he has those cute sparkly eyes)

Her close interactions with Pastors Jake, Bob and Rory have given her a picture of how romance and integrity blend together the way God designed for couples. They have set before her standards that are challenging, yet achievable with God's grace, provision and guidance. Each of them have courted their wives with a balance of passion and self-control...each serve their wives with high esteem, intimacy, and delight. The other male leaders in the ministry have also modeled godliness for her, as have the husbands of our HFG...and though distant, Jeremy Johnson's influence is also cherished as one who treasures/integrates/lives out the Word of God.

Abigail has "tasted steak" in her friendships as well - flavors of purity and respect have mixed with fun and warmth. I am grateful that the two dance dates she had were with guys who treated her with such gentlemanly honor - beyond just "opening doors," they guarded her innocence and sought what was best for her during the night they were responsible for her. They also respected her father's edict to "bring her back more pure than she was before" (which is now family lore). The senior guys at OCC gave their spiritual brotherhood as a protective mantle over Abby - always the big brother to defend and support. Specifically, this summer Abby's had a major portion of steak with Riley, Jeff, and Miksa. They have shown her what the perfect blend is of vulnerability with strength, openness without manipulation...adventure without idiocy. :) They have been the trifecta of godly manhood right at the end of summer so she can leave for WSU with that impression fresh in her memory!

Family has provided steak tasting too - from her grandfathers to her uncles to her brother and cousins - flavors of fun and deep conversation and attention and affirmation are always the takeaways from her time with them.

But maybe more than all of these steak samples is the portion she's received from the Lord. "Never will I leave you or forsake you." "I have loved you with an everlasting love." "There is no greater love than this: that a man lay down his life for his friends."

Abigail, it's not with boasting that I told dad to not worry about the guys at WSU. God has been faithful to you to provide you with (pretty much) 100% amazingly godly examples of what His best is for you! In His perfect timing we'll see who that is, but my guess is that he'll be a blend of all the men who you've known before.

Just reassure your dad & don't bother with hamburger.

45 Day Review

So I haven't blogged in 45 days.

I know this, not because I am OCD, but because since starting my job I haven't had the where-with-all to juggle all my plates adequately, much less be reflective and have time to compose. (I still haven't even sent my dad's birthday card - since Jan. 19 - because I want to write something sweet and meaningful on it, plus have all the kids sign it...and my brain hasn't synched enough to have all that happen!) This week was my 45-day review with my bosses, so I've passed a marker of sorts. Time to come up for air!

If I were to describe the past 45 days, I'd probably use numbers. I'd say a good 20 days have been filled with tremendous satisfaction....the team I work for is the best - godly, funny, patient, creative and kind. My portion of the work is meaningful and challenging. I leave the office feeling like I've made a positive change - the little world of Student Ministries has been improved a bit by me being there - and my home life has functioned smoothly at the same time. The kids seem to be adjusted to my absence, people are functioning and fed, the house is "clean enough" to host our weekly teen group and our monthly adult group...there is milk in the fridge, coffee in the pot, and a candle flickering on the mantle. Laughter and dinner happen at 6pm.

Perhaps 10 of the days, though, have been frustrating... from feeling frustrated that I'm not performing either of my jobs well. The 45 days have included sick kids, injured son (trip to ER, surgery, recovery), stressed hubby, stressed daughters...and it is frustrating to not be able to totally hone in on those situations and excel at being a comforter, a helpmeet, and a source of peace and joy. In the office meanwhile, are challenges like camps, new systems, deadlines, increasing responsibility, student drama....and because of my home life I have not been able to hone in on those situations and be the completer, the helpmeet, and a source of peace and joy. So ten of the forty-five have been discouraging because I think I'm not doing anything well.

So 20 good, 10 poor, and the remaining 15 have been neutral. The days where you grab milk on the way home....eating leftovers for dinner....asking others to step it up to cover your inadequacies ("Jon, can you pick Ben up from basketball?" "Abby, can you get Katie from rehearsal?" "WHO WILL DO THE LITTERBOX?"). But, there are still smiles and piled children on my bed at night....time together and a feeling like "today was okay." We managed. We got through it. God is in control. God loves us and takes care of us.

When I write up the sum of my days, I see how blessed I am to number such a miserly few to being bad, and how many good and neutral days I really have. And the fact that even my "neutral" is, for the most part, actually GREAT by much of the world's standard! And no matter if my days qualify as "bad" or "good," God is still in control - He loves and takes care of us no matter how we are "feeling" about the day.

20 + 10 + 15 = 45 days to lean on Him, to look to Him for my satisfaction, my peace, my joy, my contentment and my value.

Teach us to number our days aright,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
Psalm 90:12

Surprises at the Crossroads

This month has been all about waiting.

You might've read earlier that we had some crossroads we were approaching - colleges, schools for Ben, a job for me, a possible relocation to London.....gosh, even what to have for dinner has been occasionally a mystery!

We are still in the dark about college, but the Lord (and the church) did open up a part time job for me. I am not sure what's for dinner tonight, and we're still negotiating the specs about London (hopefully we'll know by tomorrow). In the meanwhile, we research schools for Ben both stateside and in the UK.

But what I've realized is this - I am where God wants me to be. It's okay to wait. It's okay to be excited but it's not okay to be anxious. As long as the day is "today," I am where He wants me to be, no matter where I am tomorrow or the next day. Yes, humanly speaking I wish He'd hurry up the "unveiling" process of my life because months of "what ifs" are beginning to take a toll on me, but I think He's okay with that. I think if I were able to be indefinitely distracted with holiday preparations, or merely trusting in the accuracy of my next grocery list (trust me, you actually shop differently when you think you might move! Costco sized spices are no longer desirable), my trust (anti-anxiety, anti-control) would not be stretched as far.

I am where He wants me to be if I am doing His Will. Geography does not matter. Public or private school does not matter. Rather, what matters is the heart - am I content? Am I at peace because of my trust in Him? Am I loving those around me, and looking for new people to love on? Do I share my stuff, my faith, my time, my money as a good steward? Do I seek His voice and opinion on the matters of my day, my heart and my choices? Do I give Him the glory at all times - whether in times of success or failure, plenty or in want? Am I kind and supportive to my husband and children and bosses? Do I live out of selfishness, or selflessness?

These are the questions whose answers determine if I am where God wants me to be. So today, no matter if we discover the spot we pitch our tent is in the UK or US, or UW or WSU, I will rest in knowing that for me to be in God's will, it doesn't really matter which country or college wins out.

Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed,
we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling...
2 Cor. 5:1-2

God's Storehouse

The 38th Chapter of Job is one of my favorite passages of the Bible.

In it, God is talking to Job and sorta straight-shooting with him about His power. (Job had been in a period of testing and despair - God was setting him straight about Who was in charge, not only over Job but also lightning, snow, the ocean, lions, etc) Anyhow, the whole chapter both thrills me and comforts me.

It thrills me to know that when the weatherman predicts "abominable, drastic, deadly" weather (like he has today with this upcoming winter storm), I actually know the One in charge of all of it. It thrills me to know the Lord has such POWER and can use nature to humble man and cry out to Him. This power can also be contained and can be used to delight and inspire a soul - He can drift little icy filigrees just as easily as He can swamp a city. It thrills me to know the Lord has this power and yet can be exceedingly gentle with me as well - like a mother is with her child, He says. He can choose a mighty thunderclap to get my attention, or a tender pastel sunrise. It thrills me to know He's got storehouses of snow, and can hurl lightning bolts and can limit where waves can crash....man! What a God!

So, tonight as I am home from a freakish blizzard walk...I am at peace. I'm thinking that God's storehouses aren't "snow only" - I think He's got other storehouses full of gifts as well. Peace among them....also joy....wisdom...patience.....faith. These gifts also awe and draw glory to Him, much as the snowfall and storms. And like weather, these gifts can either be rained down gently, or flurry about us in the dark, be hailed upon us mightily, or swirlingly waft around us, ethereal as fog.

This Christmas, I'm looking to Heaven for my gifts, as the region looks to the heavens for signs of weather. Topping my list is wisdom, followed by joy and peace. Praise to the Lord, abundant in all these things - mighty ruler of all - sovereign owner of the gifts - gentle lover of my soul.

"Have you entered the storehouses of the snow
or seen the storehouses of the hail?" Job 38:22

Every good and perfect gift is from above,
coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights,
who does not change like shifting shadows.
James 1:17

Tiptoe at the Crossroads

Today might be the last day possible to write such a blog.

Because my blog theme is "a lot can happen in a year," I must take a few minutes to describe the crossroads at which we are standing tiptoe - trying not to squint too hard at the future, but curious about the path ahead, nonetheless.

Today we might get a college acceptance letter...it's in the air, as some of our friends have received them by now. Abby near or far, Purple or Crimson....

Next week, Jon has an interview for a Microsoft project in London/Paris, that could redefine our next 2 years of family life and what we've mapped out for Katie's senior year...

Next month, a possible job opening for me at the church. Part time, but still with a part time impact on the family. It actually would be cool to see God's hand in this - the job has been on a low simmer since October of 2007! I'm excited to see His purpose and plan for it coming into reality.

Next year, a schooling change for Ben. At this point we see no clear direction - that could be because God has that overseas opportunity instead - but we are evaluating all the options. Public high school, private high school, a hybrid of classes combined with Legacy....we are blessed to have choices! But we want to be wise and mindful of whatever God's best for Ben is....so we pray for guidance.

So, from today to next week to next month to next year - changes and choices abound. We are at peace regarding them all, knowing the Lord has gone before us and true to form, will be gracious to us...providing for all of our needs, and designing a future that is good and will glorify Him. It is exciting to be at this crossroads and to imagine the possibilities!

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

Regrets - Looks Like I Have a Few

Regrets are very unfashionable.

Even to say "I regret my parents divorced" seems to imply you are regretting a milestone that "made you who you are today," and so in essence, regretting something in your past is regretting your true self. Pfft!

Jon and I discussed regrets in parenting last month. We were speaking at a young parents' Life Group on the topic of parenting, so the subject of "what we did right" also begged the question "what mistakes have you made" in parenting....preparing for that talk was a good heart-digging time for us. Fortunately I am Oprah-ized enough to recognize most of my mistakes in parenting have actually turned out ok - it's "who I am today" and also "who my children are today."

Maybe it is because we are so close to the holidays that one regret has surfaced though, and is still an area I am working through.

In an effort to limit materialism, selfishness, greed, and debt, we have always had the policy that birthdays and Christmases are the time you can ask for (and receive) things like toys, videos, cds, clothes, accessories.....gifts! The rest of the year is spent just enjoying those items, and by waiting for holiday gifts, you don't have to deal with the daily distraction of greed. The exception to the clothes rule was getting basics at the beginning of a school year or sports season, or buying an item because a stage role or occasion warranted it. The kids were also free to buy their own stuff (if they had the money - subject for another post).

The downside has been this: I have two children born the week before Christmas. As a result, their wish lists wait for one week of the year...and while they are non-materialistic (parenting goal reached), their wardrobes suffer with this policy. Especially this year with the Recession - we're scrimping for not just ONE holiday, but three (including one sweet-sixteen birthday). Not only do we have a Recession, but also a campaign at our church to reduce consumerism. Shopping is politically incorrect this holiday at OCC....but giving is in.

I guess my dilemma is with balance. Balance of consumerism vs. voluntary poverty. Balance of daughters who aren't slaves to fashion but also who aren't looking like a member of some polygamous sect either. Balance of teaching them how to budget for clothes with the idea of "wants not needs." Balance of giving and saving. Balance of dressing attractively but not to attract. Balance of being low maintenance as a woman, and of keeping the focus on godly character. Balance of living within a small budget when it comes to beauty upkeep so that more money can be donated to those in need. Balance of how much you think of yourself versus thinking of others, and letting your money and time reflect that.

It was easier when the kids were growing and you could replace their clothes because they outgrew them. But for girls, the teen years marks a slowdown of that growth, and they enter the phase of life that says you buy clothing only if you get fatter or thinner...or if you want to remain trendy...or if your old stuff wears out. It's an interesting time to budget in fashion - at what point is it a "want" versus a "need?" How well does the mom reflect appropriate priorities? At what age do you begin to teach these values? To what degree will you sacrifice trendy in order to budget in more charitable giving? To what degree will you abdicate the title of "cool?"

Parenting teenaged girls is such a check on my spirit! They are so aware. Not judgmental, but aware - how much was that haircut? How much did you spend on those boots? Is that a pro pedi or did you do it yourself? Their eyes watch and their brains evaluate - habits are mimicked, values are taught. I'm pretty sure boys wouldn't notice any of that!

So if I could do it over, I'd do a combination of two things:

• Have you heard the one about the "3 Gift Christmas?" I like it. Basically you are limiting your child's gift number to the amount that Jesus got, so it can't get all out of control.
  
• Because we'd be limited to 3 gifts, I'd make sure to budget (as in, spell it out and live it out) monthly expenditures for clothes and personal maintenance. Therefore, the girls' wardrobes would be kept fresh without sacrificing the focus on Jesus at Christmastime. Crown Financial Ministries has a good budget calculator - I'm considering implementing it for 2009. (http://www.crown.org/Tools/Calculators/ )

...give me neither poverty nor riches!
Give me just enough to satisfy my needs.
For if I grow rich, I may deny you and say, “Who is the Lord?”
And if I am too poor, I may steal and thus insult God’s holy name.
(Psalm 30:8-9)