I know this, not because I am OCD, but because since starting my job I haven't had the where-with-all to juggle all my plates adequately, much less be reflective and have time to compose. (I still haven't even sent my dad's birthday card - since Jan. 19 - because I want to write something sweet and meaningful on it, plus have all the kids sign it...and my brain hasn't synched enough to have all that happen!) This week was my 45-day review with my bosses, so I've passed a marker of sorts. Time to come up for air!
If I were to describe the past 45 days, I'd probably use numbers. I'd say a good 20 days have been filled with tremendous satisfaction....the team I work for is the best - godly, funny, patient, creative and kind. My portion of the work is meaningful and challenging. I leave the office feeling like I've made a positive change - the little world of Student Ministries has been improved a bit by me being there - and my home life has functioned smoothly at the same time. The kids seem to be adjusted to my absence, people are functioning and fed, the house is "clean enough" to host our weekly teen group and our monthly adult group...there is milk in the fridge, coffee in the pot, and a candle flickering on the mantle. Laughter and dinner happen at 6pm.
Perhaps 10 of the days, though, have been frustrating... from feeling frustrated that I'm not performing either of my jobs well. The 45 days have included sick kids, injured son (trip to ER, surgery, recovery), stressed hubby, stressed daughters...and it is frustrating to not be able to totally hone in on those situations and excel at being a comforter, a helpmeet, and a source of peace and joy. In the office meanwhile, are challenges like camps, new systems, deadlines, increasing responsibility, student drama....and because of my home life I have not been able to hone in on those situations and be the completer, the helpmeet, and a source of peace and joy. So ten of the forty-five have been discouraging because I think I'm not doing anything well.
So 20 good, 10 poor, and the remaining 15 have been neutral. The days where you grab milk on the way home....eating leftovers for dinner....asking others to step it up to cover your inadequacies ("Jon, can you pick Ben up from basketball?" "Abby, can you get Katie from rehearsal?" "WHO WILL DO THE LITTERBOX?"). But, there are still smiles and piled children on my bed at night....time together and a feeling like "today was okay." We managed. We got through it. God is in control. God loves us and takes care of us.
When I write up the sum of my days, I see how blessed I am to number such a miserly few to being bad, and how many good and neutral days I really have. And the fact that even my "neutral" is, for the most part, actually GREAT by much of the world's standard! And no matter if my days qualify as "bad" or "good," God is still in control - He loves and takes care of us no matter how we are "feeling" about the day.
20 + 10 + 15 = 45 days to lean on Him, to look to Him for my satisfaction, my peace, my joy, my contentment and my value.
Teach us to number our days aright,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
Psalm 90:12
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.
Psalm 90:12
